Depression…or whatever it is.

  • I have been in a funk lately. I dont know if it is depression or one of my other troubles. I dont care about anything. I feel numb. It hasn’t affected my writing or note taking. My Muse sendd me a steady supply. I am writing ideas on my note app and on my folded note papers and even straight into my sketch/note books. Im well into note book 22 now. I probably need to go see somebody. Maybe I need to “get” on something. There is too much “noise” in my life. Ask any introvert about noise. For us, it’s not too good. I need a quiet place. I wonder if the medicine of quiet time might help.

Depression…or whatever it is.

  • I have been in a funk lately. I dont know if it is depression or one of my other troubles. I dont care about anything. I feel numb. It hasn’t affected my writing or note taking. My Muse sendd me a steady supply. I am writing ideas on my note app and on my folded note papers and even straight into my sketch/note books. Im well into note book 22 now. I probably need to go see somebody. Maybe I need to “get” on something. There is too much “noise” in my life. Ask any introvert about noise. For us, it’s not too good. I need a quiet place. I wonder if the medicine of quiet time might help.

My New Space

I have been away for a while now. I left a bad situation and I have been laying low. I have read many posts and commented on them, but I haven’t written any of my own. I have a new desk and supplies to go with it. I didn’t buy anything new. I went to thrift stores and craigslist to get everything. It took months piecing it together. I wanted a desk like the one I used to own ,but couldn’t find one so I bought a roll top desk. I am very happy with it and I don’t think I will ever be happy without one. They are amazing and filled with many hiding places. This is one of the largest I have ever seen. It is 54 inches wide. I replaced the locks and keys on it. The people I got it from bought a bigger storage desk unit with shelves on it and needed to get this one out of the way. I have my old typewriter hanging out on top. I found some vintage items to place around on it. Just for fun. I did splurge on one item. I found a LED light bar for my work light. It is awesome and doesn’t get in the way. It has 5 different light settings and has a USB port built into the side. I took out the under side keyboard slide and built a drawer to replace it. I have even more room. I hate those keyboard slide trays.

My Muse fights for me.

 

I’ve started talking in my sleep. Mom says it sounds more like mumbling than talking. I am dealing with alot of personal issues. In the past, I slept like a baby. Matters from the live world enter my sleep kingdom now. My place of escape is being rattled by things I can barely deal with when I am awake. When I sleep I dont rest and when I am working , I want to close my eyes and lay down in a corner. During one of these sleep/awake/sleep moments, I had a vision of my Muse. She was yelling to me but I couldn’t understand her. The next moment her mouth was gagged with a white cloth. She wasn’t able to communicate at all. She has been quiet since then. I know she fights for me. I can  feel it inside.

Riding while my Muse drives

I don’t know why, but I seem to get a never ending supply of ideas while I am on the road. It is illegal to text and drive so I am sure using my Colornote app is also not the safest thing to do. I have the feeling my Muse is driving and giving me these thoughts and ideas and I am in the passenger seat, with the window down, soaking it all in. That’s the problem. I don’t have a good short term memory. If I don’t commit it to paper, I will forget it faster…see? I already forgot what I was going to write. I have to repeat things over and over till I stop so I wont forget it. That leads to another situation. While I am repeating like a nut, I will have another great super idea. Now, I have to remember two things and still keep it on the road. Why don’t I just pull over? Problem three. I am almost always late to my driving destination, so I can’t stop. You would think life would be a little easier.

Looking for “Likes” in all the wrong places.

As an Introvert, I take a different road than your garden variety extrovert. Notice the lower case “e”. Introverts will understand this post. Thats preaching to the choir. But, there are lots of people in the middle that dont understsnd what we go through each day. I feel “odd” in ctowds and I want to run away. Sometimes I have to go to the bathroom for some quiet time. You can feel the release in your body. Well, I can feel it. I look at extroverts and they seem alien to me. How do you live like tha? Why do you act like that? I have studied about you. I have observed you. I understand you get your batteries charged by interacting with other people. You get uour fulfilment from being with other people. I imagine extroverts looking at other humans and recharging witelessly through your open glazed over eyes. I always knew i was different but never knew why. I love working alone. I dont need crowds. I don’t like crowded cities either. Some folks probably think Introverts are prima donnas. We aren’t. We just have certain needs and desires that are different than yours. We dont need adrenaline rushes either. We have that built in. I don’t need to parachute or bungie jump or any kind of amusement park ride. I have a roller coaster, bottle toss, ballon dart popping thrill ride hot wired in my brain. We are very observant. extroverts be aware. We are looking at you.

My Muse requests a toll.

Pay as you go. On my journey as a note taking fool, preparing to put together my first book, I have hit many bumps in the road. My Muse has been left bleeding and bruised. She returns the favor with vengeance. I feel like I am on a road with many toll booths and no money in my pockets. I have doubts and worries. You cant pay a toll with that. My toll money is “thought and idea” retention. Muse(She) is riding the chariot and I am the horse. You know who is holding the whip. Outside influences add weight to my writing process. I try not to let it affect me, but it is at the feet of my Muse. “She” has been quiet the last few days. I don’t like that. It gets mentally taxing when I get note overload, but I would rather have that than the alternative. I am an introvert. I have other things going on now, undiagnosed. I don’t like what I do to “her”. I don’t want to abuse my creative, idea producing, inner self. Maybe it comes with the territory. My toll payment is putting my notes together and proceeding down a road I  have only dreamed of. I am on notebook 18. I keep taking notes. And more notes. And notes and notes.

This may be incoherent. I am just writing my thoughts down. So many bloggers do beautiful prep work and publish great pieces. I don’t have the time or energy. It may be ragged, but you get the picture.