Confessions of an Introvert, part one…maybe.

We don’t confess.
Part two will be shorter.
Just kidding.
I have written alot about Introverts in my previous posts, but their is always something to be said about our kind. Even if it has been said one hundred times. I just got a chill. I knew something was different anout me, but I couldn’t figure it out. A good friend, studying psychology, talked with me and told me she thought I was an Introvert (always capitilized).
Yes, I can work with people and do customer service. Why? I need a paycheck. When I am off work, no one can find me , because I like being by myself. Im more than a little antisocial. I am not mean though. It is just the way I am. It is the classic Introvert symptom of a crowd draiming my batteries. I need the quiet time to recharge. I have people that I love and enjoy being with. A small group. Look at my photo. It is the picture of a door. The door is closed. I function with the crowd … from a distance. From the fringe, the edge. I won’t move up in my job, because I get to be alone in a truck, sitting in a corner, observing. I don’t have the radio on. I am resting my mind and guess who shows up 75% of the time. My Muse. I practically came up with the core of my ideas, sitting in that corner. It amazes me what ideas that some peace and quiet will bring forth. My greatest writing idea came from that spot.

I am from the South and the Bible belt. I have a hard time attending services due to being an Introvert. The crowds and all the togetherness affect me deeply. I didn’t check my usage of “affect/effect” .  I can do the crowd scene but it makes me queasy on the inside. I can go to the theater. You have to be quiet and it is dark.

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My Muse was drunk when she thought of that.

I am beginning to add “notes and stuff” to my 19th sketch/notebook. I was browsing through book 8 to 12 today and I came to the conclusion that my beautiful Muse was drinking heavily when she sent some of these ideas to my thoughts. I write my notes dowm so i wont forget them and I usually forget them quickly so its a new revelation when i read them agsin for the first time. The combination of introversion and a superior Muse sends me a cascade of wonderful things. I must admit it was good stuff but I prefer her to be sober. She might send my ideas to someone else.

999 extroverts

You have 1000 people in a meeting hall. Pick out the single Introvert. The Introvert will probably be leaning against the wall watching the extro’s getting drunk on each others company. People are batteries for extro’s. Introverts have built in batteries. We can work alone without crying the blues of loneliness. The Intro will have a tag with no name written on it. We don”t need to have our name known. It’s not important. The best way to find the Intro? Watch the door. We will be the first out of it, of course, without telling anyone. I don’t know how you got one of us at the meeting/party to begin with.

Bad days and a blindfolded Muse

I’m sittin’ here shaking. Everyone else is resting. They are actually able too rest. Maybe vibrating is a better word. Its like a volcano of words and ideas and thoughts wanting…needing to be out. I have been dealing with personal problems that my Muse doesnt want to see or deal with. The thoughts and snippets keep on rolling out. Its a collision of vision and lifes reality speeding  towards each other. Most people turn off the Muse and deal with the problem. Trouble will rob the desire for fishing  ideas as a consequence. Not me. I dont care what I am facing or dealing with, the ideas are coming. It makes me feel sick. I should not be creating when I am having a break up and moving on.

Riding while my Muse drives

I don’t know why, but I seem to get a never ending supply of ideas while I am on the road. It is illegal to text and drive so I am sure using my Colornote app is also not the safest thing to do. I have the feeling my Muse is driving and giving me these thoughts and ideas and I am in the passenger seat, with the window down, soaking it all in. That’s the problem. I don’t have a good short term memory. If I don’t commit it to paper, I will forget it faster…see? I already forgot what I was going to write. I have to repeat things over and over till I stop so I wont forget it. That leads to another situation. While I am repeating like a nut, I will have another great super idea. Now, I have to remember two things and still keep it on the road. Why don’t I just pull over? Problem three. I am almost always late to my driving destination, so I can’t stop. You would think life would be a little easier.

Looking for “Likes” in all the wrong places.

As an Introvert, I take a different road than your garden variety extrovert. Notice the lower case “e”. Introverts will understand this post. Thats preaching to the choir. But, there are lots of people in the middle that dont understsnd what we go through each day. I feel “odd” in ctowds and I want to run away. Sometimes I have to go to the bathroom for some quiet time. You can feel the release in your body. Well, I can feel it. I look at extroverts and they seem alien to me. How do you live like tha? Why do you act like that? I have studied about you. I have observed you. I understand you get your batteries charged by interacting with other people. You get uour fulfilment from being with other people. I imagine extroverts looking at other humans and recharging witelessly through your open glazed over eyes. I always knew i was different but never knew why. I love working alone. I dont need crowds. I don’t like crowded cities either. Some folks probably think Introverts are prima donnas. We aren’t. We just have certain needs and desires that are different than yours. We dont need adrenaline rushes either. We have that built in. I don’t need to parachute or bungie jump or any kind of amusement park ride. I have a roller coaster, bottle toss, ballon dart popping thrill ride hot wired in my brain. We are very observant. extroverts be aware. We are looking at you.

My Muse requests a toll.

Pay as you go. On my journey as a note taking fool, preparing to put together my first book, I have hit many bumps in the road. My Muse has been left bleeding and bruised. She returns the favor with vengeance. I feel like I am on a road with many toll booths and no money in my pockets. I have doubts and worries. You cant pay a toll with that. My toll money is “thought and idea” retention. Muse(She) is riding the chariot and I am the horse. You know who is holding the whip. Outside influences add weight to my writing process. I try not to let it affect me, but it is at the feet of my Muse. “She” has been quiet the last few days. I don’t like that. It gets mentally taxing when I get note overload, but I would rather have that than the alternative. I am an introvert. I have other things going on now, undiagnosed. I don’t like what I do to “her”. I don’t want to abuse my creative, idea producing, inner self. Maybe it comes with the territory. My toll payment is putting my notes together and proceeding down a road I  have only dreamed of. I am on notebook 18. I keep taking notes. And more notes. And notes and notes.

This may be incoherent. I am just writing my thoughts down. So many bloggers do beautiful prep work and publish great pieces. I don’t have the time or energy. It may be ragged, but you get the picture.