Bad days and a blindfolded Muse

I’m sittin’ here shaking. Everyone else is resting. They are actually able too rest. Maybe vibrating is a better word. Its like a volcano of words and ideas and thoughts wanting…needing to be out. I have been dealing with personal problems that my Muse doesnt want to see or deal with. The thoughts and snippets keep on rolling out. Its a collision of vision and lifes reality speeding  towards each other. Most people turn off the Muse and deal with the problem. Trouble will rob the desire for fishing  ideas as a consequence. Not me. I dont care what I am facing or dealing with, the ideas are coming. It makes me feel sick. I should not be creating when I am having a break up and moving on.

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Riding while my Muse drives

I don’t know why, but I seem to get a never ending supply of ideas while I am on the road. It is illegal to text and drive so I am sure using my Colornote app is also not the safest thing to do. I have the feeling my Muse is driving and giving me these thoughts and ideas and I am in the passenger seat, with the window down, soaking it all in. That’s the problem. I don’t have a good short term memory. If I don’t commit it to paper, I will forget it faster…see? I already forgot what I was going to write. I have to repeat things over and over till I stop so I wont forget it. That leads to another situation. While I am repeating like a nut, I will have another great super idea. Now, I have to remember two things and still keep it on the road. Why don’t I just pull over? Problem three. I am almost always late to my driving destination, so I can’t stop. You would think life would be a little easier.

Looking for “Likes” in all the wrong places.

As an Introvert, I take a different road than your garden variety extrovert. Notice the lower case “e”. Introverts will understand this post. Thats preaching to the choir. But, there are lots of people in the middle that dont understsnd what we go through each day. I feel “odd” in ctowds and I want to run away. Sometimes I have to go to the bathroom for some quiet time. You can feel the release in your body. Well, I can feel it. I look at extroverts and they seem alien to me. How do you live like tha? Why do you act like that? I have studied about you. I have observed you. I understand you get your batteries charged by interacting with other people. You get uour fulfilment from being with other people. I imagine extroverts looking at other humans and recharging witelessly through your open glazed over eyes. I always knew i was different but never knew why. I love working alone. I dont need crowds. I don’t like crowded cities either. Some folks probably think Introverts are prima donnas. We aren’t. We just have certain needs and desires that are different than yours. We dont need adrenaline rushes either. We have that built in. I don’t need to parachute or bungie jump or any kind of amusement park ride. I have a roller coaster, bottle toss, ballon dart popping thrill ride hot wired in my brain. We are very observant. extroverts be aware. We are looking at you.

My Muse requests a toll.

Pay as you go. On my journey as a note taking fool, preparing to put together my first book, I have hit many bumps in the road. My Muse has been left bleeding and bruised. She returns the favor with vengeance. I feel like I am on a road with many toll booths and no money in my pockets. I have doubts and worries. You cant pay a toll with that. My toll money is “thought and idea” retention. Muse(She) is riding the chariot and I am the horse. You know who is holding the whip. Outside influences add weight to my writing process. I try not to let it affect me, but it is at the feet of my Muse. “She” has been quiet the last few days. I don’t like that. It gets mentally taxing when I get note overload, but I would rather have that than the alternative. I am an introvert. I have other things going on now, undiagnosed. I don’t like what I do to “her”. I don’t want to abuse my creative, idea producing, inner self. Maybe it comes with the territory. My toll payment is putting my notes together and proceeding down a road I  have only dreamed of. I am on notebook 18. I keep taking notes. And more notes. And notes and notes.

This may be incoherent. I am just writing my thoughts down. So many bloggers do beautiful prep work and publish great pieces. I don’t have the time or energy. It may be ragged, but you get the picture.

Thoughtzilla and the Light Bulb Brigade

Have you had an idea or a thought today? Imagine you are standing in the middle of the Superdome in Louisiana. It is dark and quiet. All of the sudden, every light in the stadium powers on at the same time. That’s the light bulb over my head. I have so many thoughts and ideas, it can be exhausting. I know ideas drive the writers world, but I do appreciate it when my Muse is quiet. Most people have their Muse open the front gate and walk in with ideas in a nice way. My Muse comes in like a female Rambo with the idea machine gun blazing. I have to take notes fast. I would never offend my Muse, but I wonder what she expects of me. What do I owe in return. If She gives much, shouldn’t I return the favor? I feel like I have been blessed with many good I ideas and I can never repay the gift from my creative senses. Maybe payment will be putting it all together and no more delaying.

Dream Theater

Last night I returned from a three day work trip. It was nothing special, but I was tired and worn out. It didn’t take me long to fall asleep. I have to admit, I don’t dream much. I have no reason why. Maybe I think so much when I am awake, my mind takes a vacation and relaxes. When I do dream it usually is a doozy. Dreams are usually a little bit of this sprinkled with a little bit of that. My dream took me to a theater. Not a nice digital theater with comfortable seats and lights on the floor to show you a path. This was an ancient building with creaky floors and creakier seats. You could hear popcorn  popping and I had a bucket on my lap. An old reel to reel projector fired up and a movie flickered to life on the screen. I saw bits and pieces of my life mixed with characters I write about in my notebooks. I do have an idea of what my characters look like because I think about it. It’s weird to see fictional characters interacting with events from your life. I wish there was more to tell, but I woke up suddenly and it was over.

Season of the “Which”…my horror story.

As in, which way will I go now. Will I continue making notes and keeping scraps of dialogue or will I start building the frame work for my novel? I have enough ideas and notes for ten books. I would like to transfer all my written notes to my computer because I intend to complete it on my laptop. I intend to use one of the writing programs like “scrivener” or “ywriter”. There are many programs and I have been browsing around looking at them. I have given some of them a test drive. I really like scrivener but there is a learning curve. I thought learning how to type was hard.

Which way to go?

I have so many ideas and scenarios for my characters that I could do five books and they wouldn’t even be sequels. I would be the same story divided up into manageable sized books.

I am going to try and start entering my notebook information onto my laptop and begin sorting things out. I am not much into outlining but I will have to put something down on paper to give me some idea of the scope of this thing. I am a non linear writer. It just works for me. To each his own. I enjoy the freedoms that writers have.

It feels like I am stopped at a crossroad. I have to make a decision. I think when I make the decision to “go for it” , I will look back and wonder why I didn’t do it sooner.

It is time. My characters are looking at me. My Muse is looking at me. I am looking at myself in the mirror. It may be the fear of the unknown. It is time to step on the gas and put my book together. I am nervous and happy, too.